I think that i often assign value to things I’m doing or that i want to do because i feel a need to justify myself. I think i promote those things via my public outlets at least partially to seek outside validation for those things that i am and that i want. Sometimes i think i even get so caught up in those things and in adding more depth and variety to keep my case interesting enough to myself or others that i fabricate new meaning and new wants.
I don’t need to build a case to prove my wants and beliefs to be sufficient enough. I don’t need to prove myself innocent, pure, interesting, or desirable enough in the court of public or personal opinion to be deserving of my original wants in the first place, but I am who I am sometimes.
Im an unchained melody and i enjoy the things i enjoy and want more of those things for myself. I do not care what those things do for you just as long as they’re not taking anything away from you to my awareness.
There is no set of circumstances that can make me happy unless it is the happiness itself that I’m seeking and allowing the circumstances that i have deemed desirable to just occur.
I don’t even have to want happiness. I’ve spent enough time wanting things that weren’t happiness to know that I wanted to try it out. I’ve tried wanting knowledge and depth and to an extent only learned more ways to paint others as separate from myself. I’ve wanted material success and got so much so fast at the cost of my time, sanity, and health. I worked so hard that the only function of that large number in my bank account every two weeks was to be spent filling an endless void with material possessions and loud experiences to drown the voice in my head that never stopped analyzing and bringing me down. I’ve wanted other things too in different proportions and have suffered proportionately to the size of those other wants. I don’t even mind suffering most of the time because it’s just such a standard state of being.
I started having an existenstial crisis the first time i watched fight club on hbo in 1999. I think i thought i was Tyler Durden for a decade after that. I don’t know if I’ve spent much of my life outside of an existential contemplation mode but i can say that the past few years have had more sane time than not, more intensely and for more prolonged periods of time. I do my best to just act like a “bro” and keep things simple and humorous anymore. I enjoy uplifting people and I’m fully aware that i like doing it for myself. I don’t do it for anyone else. I give of myself and accept myself getting filled up more and more. Shits deep but it’s also not that deep. People are people no more no less and I’m just a people.