It’s funny to me that I still giggle or feel funny when someone compliments what I’m doing or tells me how much they like me. I like me too for the most part, but I don’t think I always accept the full measure of who I am. I currently like my sense of humor and my hair and the way I dress and the way I’m kind and my music etc but I’m capable of wanting to be a completely different person at any given time just because someone else is a different way that I think is better.
My sense of humor is honest and is what is best for me but if someone around me is funnier or more charismatic or obnoxious I’m like... “man I’m not a fun person at all I should go hide under a rock because I have nothing to offer this group of people” ...which is an insane thought for the record.
Or like let somebody have long hair and a great beard and be rocking it super hard, I’m at CVS the next day buying biotin and beard oil. Crazy I know.
But some real envy/lack of self-acceptance stuff comes up with music. I talk about this all the time because it’s probably the negative thought process that affects me most often, but watching my homies playing to big crowds and being super successful and having all the sound gear I want and sounding great live gets me all screwed up somedays like I want their music career to be mine. I’d rather have their sound or their style and get their reaction etc etc etc then I just throw my hands up and decide to quit music because of the million people who can do it “better” than me. Even when things go good for my band I’m still capable of looking around at what I don’t have or who I’m not.
Nowwww the flipside to all of that is when I’m centered I’m not affected by that stuff really and I’m lucky enough to know what I need to do lifestyle-wise to stay centered and it’s really not too complicated to get there/maintain. I’ll say one of my go-tos is to just remind myself of everything I have and everything that’s going on for me and most importantly how many people I now have intimate vulnerable relationships with. My life is bangin, i just forget sometimes. Sometimes I have to be reminded where I came from and that will usually make me real grateful real fast too.