It’s been an interesting year

And an interesting weekend. And an even more interesting month.

After the Grayscale Tour we immediately went back to work like nothing ever happened and kept it moving. I thought this is great I’m not going to get depressed this time!

Then a few weeks passed and it sank in before I could even see it coming. Right back to those depths of depression that I always conveniently forget plague me when I’m feeling good for a couple months.

Let me lay some things out and give you a picture of my personal life. I dated a girl all summer, fell head over heels for her then in the middle of an already very stressful time she just dumped me out of nowhere. We left for the tour a week later so I was just kind of on a feeling roller coaster from day to day. The highs were the highest they’ve ever been and some of the lows were dark but manageable because of the amount of great people I was constantly surrounded by.

Long story short the negative side of the feelings really started kicking back in for me this past month and while it really sucks, it hasn’t been all bad. The whole “I’m unlovable” Fire definitely got some fuel thrown into it, but I know people love me and also I know I’ll have a romantic partner someday too and that’ll be great.

I’ve taken great care of my spiritual and physical well being for many years now and I decided a few weeks ago that my mental health needed more specific attention too so I started seeing a therapist who came highly recommended to me by multiple friends the past couple years and I finally pulled the trigger and went and saw him and am seeing him again this week. 

To anyone who lives with mental illness/depression/anxiety etc... my experience has been that it is a fucking journey and as lonely as it feels I’m never truly that alone. When it’s in effect for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years (yes years sometimes i.e. 2013-15 during which I wrote Jacob’s Ladder and half of that Tight Lungs LP and also half of “Grace Session”) things seem like they were never any better. Like I’ve just been depressed since 2001 and never get a break. Simply not true though you guys all saw me smiling on the stage every night and that was honest and I’ve had a ton of great times in increments of days, weeks, and months and maybe if we’re going overall I could say years. This blog went way too long already but I’ll pick this back up again soon.

Compliment

It’s funny to me that I still giggle or feel funny when someone compliments what I’m doing or tells me how much they like me. I like me too for the most part, but I don’t think I always accept the full measure of who I am. I currently like my sense of humor and my hair and the way I dress and the way I’m kind and my music etc but I’m capable of wanting to be a completely different person at any given time just because someone else is a different way that I think is better.

My sense of humor is honest and is what is best for me but if someone around me is funnier or more charismatic or obnoxious I’m like... “man I’m not a fun person at all I should go hide under a rock because I have nothing to offer this group of people” ...which is an insane thought for the record.

Or like let somebody have long hair and a great beard and be rocking it super hard, I’m at CVS the next day buying biotin and beard oil. Crazy I know.

But some real envy/lack of self-acceptance stuff comes up with music. I talk about this all the time because it’s probably the negative thought process that affects me most often, but watching my homies playing to big crowds and being super successful and having all the sound gear I want and sounding great live gets me all screwed up somedays like I want their music career to be mine. I’d rather have their sound or their style and get their reaction etc etc etc then I just throw my hands up and decide to quit music because of the million people who can do it “better” than me. Even when things go good for my band I’m still capable of looking around at what I don’t have or who I’m not.

Nowwww the flipside to all of that is when I’m centered I’m not affected by that stuff really and I’m lucky enough to know what I need to do lifestyle-wise to stay centered and it’s really not too complicated to get there/maintain. I’ll say one of my go-tos is to just remind myself of everything I have and everything that’s going on for me and most importantly how many people I now have intimate vulnerable relationships with. My life is bangin, i just forget sometimes. Sometimes I have to be reminded where I came from and that will usually make me real grateful real fast too.

Sticking

My biggest personal struggle in day-in day-out life happens in the space between sticking to my intentions and getting stuck between two or more intentions. (does that make any sense?)

I’m probably best off keeping it moving and I typically have a decent success rate on that, but I feel a lot of strife in that 15% of my time spent between sticking and stuck. That’s what friends are for though. Making me laugh at myself, simplifying my perspective, and pointing my toes back toward my intention. Good friends are good to have. Cheers